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Writer's pictureJordan Tepfer

Calling all perfectionists (and everyone else, too)! How to choose confidence and why you should.

When I made the decision to change careers and start my own business, there was no certainty and a million things that could go wrong (and still are). As someone who has perfectionist tendencies, this was a totally new, uncomfortable experience. I believe in and am passionate about this topic because it is something I have had to fully embrace as part of the process. It changed my life, and if I can do it with the assistance of a coach, I know you can, too.


Part I: The two keys


1. Confidence does not need to be based on logic--it’s a mindset


You know that person who, on paper, is generally unremarkable, but carries themselves with supreme confidence? Conversely, how about the person who, on paper, has everything going for them, but is so unsure of themselves?


Well, those two types of people are proof that confidence is a mindset; it does not need to be based on logic or results! You can have every reason not to be confident and still choose confidence. It is a choice. How empowering is that?


Easier said than done, though, right? Regardless, having awareness of that point is the first step to embracing it.


Of course, certain things naturally lend themselves to greater confidence. Things like actually getting good results, positive reinforcement from your environment, being raised by parents who have confidence, having a genuine passion for something, etc. What that means is everyone who has confidence in a specific area didn’t necessarily make a conscious choice to be that way. There are many areas that different people are naturally confident in.


However, this post is for those that don’t naturally have the level of confidence that they want, in a specific area and want to increase it.


Try this exercise:

If you fall into either of those categories, try this brief exercise, especially if you identify as a perfectionist:


1. Imagine you’re the best in the world at whatever you are seeking greater confidence in—the Michael Jordan of it. Let’s assume it’s your profession, for purposes of the exercise. You have the resume, you have the results, and you’re the consensus #1.


2. Now, while still imagining you’re the best in your profession, apply your current mindset or approach. Despite being the Michael Jordan of it, would you be concerned about your performance going forward? Would you worry about what could go wrong---what might happen if you “have a bad game?” Would you be worried about how the other “players” are doing? Maybe they’re improving and working on different skills that you don’t have. Maybe they’re taking a different approach that seems to be effective for them.


3. Now, on a scale of 1-10 (1 being no confidence, and 10 being complete confidence), in that fictitious scenario, what is your confidence level?


If you said anything other than a 10—complete confidence, here’s my point with this exercise: even being the Michael Jordan of your profession does not guarantee you Michael Jordan level confidence. Results and logic do not equal confidence. Although they might provide you with some level of confidence, those alone will only get you so far. Without the right mindset, you’ll still embrace the doubt, the worry, the fear of failure, even if you have the best results and are the most talented. Even if you prepare as much as possible and consider every possible scenario. To get the confidence you desire, you have to embrace a mindset of confidence.


But, how do you do that?


2. Detachment from your results


If you’re struggling with confidence in an area, your confidence is likely living and dying by your results. This is fine when you get good results, but when things go poorly, your confidence is crushed. This is a fragile state to live in. One bad outcome and there goes the confidence.


That approach lends itself to a fear of failure--focusing on worries, doubt, others’ perceptions, and everything that could go wrong. That mentality is a type of self-fulfilling prophecy because your focus is on those things, not the task at hand---what you should be focusing on- increasing the likelihood of failure.


Of course, you want good results, but what if they didn’t impact your level of confidence? How liberating would it feel to approach something without fearing failure, knowing that no matter what happens, your confidence won’t be shaken?


How much more focus could you bring?


How much more enjoyable would it be?


How much easier would failing, learning from it, and moving on be?


The common thread for having confidence is detachment from the results or outcome. So, how do you accomplish this, if you don’t naturally have it?


Establish that a confident approach, one that is detached from results, is your most effective and most enjoyable approach, and choose to embrace it.

Part II: Why choose confidence?


Some of these might seem obvious, but it’s important to recognize their importance and understand the “why,” so you can fully commit to embracing a mindset of confidence, and a detachment from your results.


Better results

Think about when you listen to someone speak confidently. Even if you know what they’re saying is incorrect, if they deliver it with confidence, you almost believe it, or at a minimum, you place much less focus on that aspect. Their confidence naturally lends itself to you having greater confidence in them. You feel more comfortable. You might think, “I don’t necessarily agree with them, but they look like they know what they’re doing. Confidence smooths out the imperfections and allows the audience to glide over them.

Compare that to someone who approaches something with uncertainty. That uncertainty draws attention to the flaws and encourages skepticism. They aren’t conveying confidence, so you aren’t confident in them or what they’re saying. Further, one might preface something with what they’re insecure about, drawing attention to it (e.g., “Bear with me, I’m not good at XYZ”).


Your mind isn’t so busy with ancillary thoughts that you’re able to improve focus. Your attention to the task at hand can be calm and laser-focused, leading to a higher likelihood of better results.


More enjoyment

Let’s say you approached something with a great deal of uncertainty but got the results you wanted. Well, you get the results, but what was the process like? Especially for those that identify as perfectionists, it was probably filled with worrying about everything that could go wrong, what might happen if you fail, and what failure in that instance would say about you. You probably only enjoyed the outcome and not the process. But, if we’re only enjoying the outcome and not the process, how much of life are we enjoying and how much are we suffering through?


Confidence frees your mind of the busy thoughts, the worry, the doubt; the things that take away from your enjoyment.


Take a minute to imagine approaching something with total confidence.

Move on from failures

Confidence derived from a lack of focus on outcomes and results helps you to move on from failures because you do not let an outcome define you, or make it your identity. So, when you fail, you can acknowledge it without shame, learn from it, and quickly try again. This is the “failure is the key to success” model that is so popular. The problem is that many people fear failure because they let outcomes define who they are. So, if they fail, they are failures. The people who can thrive from failure are the ones who are detached from the results.


Part III – Bringing it all together


Once it’s been established that having confidence in a specific area is important to you, and is your best approach forward, you can then embrace a mindset of confidence. Once you’ve fully embraced and applied that mindset, and seen the changes, you then can manufacture confidence. You can then apply that skill to other areas of life. After a while, it starts to naturally bleed into your approach to other things without having to make a conscious effort. Before you know it, you’re approaching everything with confidence.


If you enjoyed this post, please scroll to the bottom of this page and subscribe to the blog. Also, check out www.jordantepfer.com to get more information on my services and how we might be able to partner with each other. Confidence is foundational to all of the work my clients and I do.

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